The last week I’ve had some incredible insights and processing a lot of recent experiences to better understand my past, my behaviour and determining who I am and where I am going on this extraordinary journey called life. As a life coach I view my personality, beliefs and behaviour as a workshop I often attend, open up and take a deep look inside to see what I can refine, tweak and improve on.
I worked with a coaching psychologist yesterday who has been amazing part of my life for almost eight months now and returned to her couch after a six month break from therapy. She helps me with my personal life and also refine my approach to my own coaching practise.
There is a lot of value in sharing my observations I gather during our sessions, what she evokes within me and how I perceive my life and the work I have to do on it, I hope communicating with my audience will give a better understanding of the processors involved in coaching and psych and you might find value in just reading my blogs, I get so much out of just writing it and affirming it. I am a philosopher and take to life like art, it’s a creative process of becoming.
I often talk of being in flow and present in the moment and in my session we touched on forgetting and falling into reactive emotional based thinking. I asked the question is this forgetting also me? Is my reactive personality and shadow side also who I am? Sometimes the questions are more important than the answers. When I am not in an emotionally reactive space I don’t identify with the reactive personality because I am not in control of it and it’s not who I want to be so don’t see it as me. I work hard to foster tools like EI to let it go.
An enlightened self is present in this moment dynamic and it’s in that space I find the most fulfilment, when I have free will and choice to behave in a way that fosters my values and needs.
In reflection it’s good to understand your needs, what full fills you and brings meaning to your life, then being in the moment is about maintaining an environment and relationships that can foster it. Humans all become reactive, emotions are the chemistry that cause this reaction to occur, and our brain uses this chemistry to relate through memory. But emotions are fluid, they are not static, so remembering that you are not actually those emotional reactions when determining your identity is very important.
I once read in Seligman’s work when correcting children’s behaviour make sure they understand their anger is not them, its a way of being, don’t attach it to them, they are not bad, but ‘being’ bad, its gives MOVEMENT to the behaviour. You can do this through communication and being an emotional container of unconditional love.
For me personally remembering who I am authentically has been my life challenge, my mother had a dissociative personality disorder and as a child growing up with this I would often feel abandoned from the connection I had with her, as she would shift through different personalities. There is a lot of reactive pain and grief I’ve struggled my whole life to heal because of those first relationships. I remember her gifts and beauty, even when she forgot. As I write this piece I can feel the organism of my body begin to feel that tender deep well of sorrow at not being able to hold onto the security of a safe loving relationship with her, but at the same time forgiving and accepting it in my heart.
Letting go has been a survival mechanism for me, from a very early age I learned it well and it’s why I have become so good at teaching it. I am able to be in the moment because I have had to be, for me the big challenge is understanding my personal boundaries, identity and protecting it but also being able to share it and maintain it’s integrity to foster a space of nurture. This is most important to me as a parent primarily, to learn it and teach it to my girls.
The gift of parenting has allowed me to heal in so many ways, and through my own personal development work and the teaching of coaching ways I am really beginning to understand who exactly I am. For me consistently creating and remembering a solid, secure and grounded space within that can’t fluctuate or be threatened is my learning, this is not a material reality but a inner experience I hold and share.
There are times in everyone’s life where your heart breaks, your soul is struck, and you fall to your knees. You scream, perhaps silently, perhaps out loud, ‘Help. I need help. Please help me. Guide me.’ It’s your prayer, your call for a better way.
Adversity no doubt takes you to hell and if you get to the other side you are blessed and will find strength un-defeatable. Not to say you will not be vulnerable, for becoming a worker in light you will often find yourself in dark places of challenge but they will no longer be unfamiliar and when this happens you will no longer be afraid.
Personal development work is never easy it means showing up for you, facing your fears and surrendering to love, it’s not a fight in the traditional sense of opposing forces, love is humility, the truest form of nature.